Sex workers and relationships: a picture is worth a thousand words

by Furry Girl

10.12.10

I was feeling angsty and sad one night over the weekend, ranting to New Boy about my issues with Old Boys.  Poor sweet New Boy, he listens so patiently, even though he's no doubt sick of hearing me bitch about this topic.

Like every other sex worker - whether they'll talk about it openly or not - some of the people I've dated/fucked have treated me un-awesomely, to one degree or another, due to my occupation.  Earlier this year, I was involved with two men who had argued that it could screw up their careers if it was found out that they were linked to the likes of me - as though I'm some kind of wanted Taliban operative who plays target practice with babies in my spare time.  I think both of these guys were just using the work excuse as a bullshit cover for not have to deal with the risk of personal embarrassment over sleeping with a girl who takes her clothes off for money.  (This sort of issue is not confined solely to sex workers; see Violet Blue blogging about her similar experiences as a sex writer here.)

I recently posted a half-serious ever-so-web-2.0 relationship/friendship definition on Twitter: "It only exists if it's on the internet and indexable."  This year, I've gotten increasingly stubborn about the idea that I am done hooking up with anyone who makes a show out of the importance keeping things off-the-grid.

Part of me wants to declare that we sex workers should all stand up for ourselves and our dignity and stage a big boycott of dating/fucking people for free who are too cowardly to associate with sex workers outside of the bedroom. But, I realize that's impractical for a lot of sex workers (such as the ones who are still in the closet themselves), and I'll probably break my boycott someday anyway, since I'm lousy at dogmatism.  But still - imagine if more sex workers did make that decision right now and stopped enabling people to reap the rewards of sleeping with sexually skilled partners, while refusing to "give back" by being our most intimate of allies.  A partner who exhibits behaviors to let you know they are ashamed of you is inflicting a form of emotional abuse, plain and simple.

I'm a fairly public person who lives on the internet and blogs and Twitter.  I am not saying I have no sense of privacy or discretion when it comes to my personal life and the wishes of my partners, but that's a whole different matter than being curtly confronted about how I am not allowed to tell people that we've slept together.

The guy I refer to as Mr Personal Assistant had his employee relate to me that "his career is just too important right now", and that "with the media all over him", he just couldn't be linked to a sex worker.  I wanted to scream at him - had he had the nerve to actually tell me this himself - "Who the hell do you think you are?  One article about you in Wired Magazine does not mean the media is 'all over you' like an insatiable swarm of tabloid paparazzi, eager to catch you in a headline-making sex scandal."  (For those of you know know who I'm talking about, you are no doubt laughing hysterically right now.)

While not a single photo ever existed of that asshole and I - whether on our iPhones or the cover of Us Weekly - it's a different story with the long-term ex.  He wasn't a legendary douchebag like the other guy, but his more subtle behaviors still chipped away at me.  We both love photography, and took plenty of photos of each other.  When we went on vacation, for example, there were many "us in front of this thing" touristy images, candid glimpses we'd catch of each other, or just photos of us making silly faces at each other when we were bored.  I knew, without needing reminding, that photos like these were not pieces of my life that I could upload to my Flickr account.

Being a sex worker has meant knowing exactly how many times I've appeared in publicly-viewable photos with a person I've dated/fucked. And that answer is often "zero".

With the long-term ex, the one with a camera ever-present around his neck, I know where all six of his photos of me are.  Two are at a conference, two are at a large party, and two are from our vacation.  All of these photos imply that I'm just some person who happened to be in the same place, perhaps a casual acquaintance, or the back of the head of a tourist who obtusely wandered into the frame of his perfect shot.  Never, ever, is there a photo of us together, and gods forbid, certainly not a photo that implies we were "involved".  If you're someone who knew us, and looked at his prolific photo-taking, I would think it actually stands out that he has oodles of photos of all of his friends, including other women he's been involved with, except for me.  That still stings.  (It reminds me of the scene in The Village where one character informs another that he knows a certain man is very attracted to her.  She asks him how he could be so certain of that.  The answer?  "Because he never touches you".)

This summer, I've been trying to up my game on my "scare 'em away plan" of sorting new potential mates.  This weekend, I disclosed to New Boy that I had been testing him a bit.  When we met, I liked him right away, so I immediately set about trying to seduce him - and, of course, see if he was going to be scared away.

On the first night we were getting to know each other, a friend took a photo of us together at a club, which I found in her Flickr stream.  Throughout the coming weeks, I kept at it.  I not only stood next to him in photos, I put my arm around him!  I exhibited body language that suggested sexual attraction!  And, New Boy passed this simple-but-vital test of mine with flying colors.  He uploaded these photos alongside all his other photos, like there was something totally unremarkable and non-shameful that his friends, family, and coworkers would be able to see us together.  This sounds trivial to civilians, but after my last year of problematic mating, it makes me feel stupidly warm and fuzzy.  No one knows if or where things will progress with New Boy, but he's certainly set the bar high for everyone who comes next, just by being sane and normal towards me, rather than acting like he's an evangelical preacher cheating on his wife and I'm an underage gay hustler.

After the end of the conversation wherein I revealed my photo test to New Boy, I was curling up in bed, and texted him my closing thoughts for the night: "Thank you for treating me the way I think I deserve to be treated."

And thanks to all the other slut-lovers and ho-lovers out there for simply acting like we are regular human beings, not plague-infected, career-ruining embarrassments.  You all rule.

[Edited to add: I worry this post comes across like I'm throwing a major pity party for myself and that my love life is completely shitty.  It's not at all, and I also recognize that I have had much, much better luck with the dating scene than many other sex workers.  It's just that this last year contained some notable unpleasantness in my personal life for me, and two guys who represent different ends of the spectrum of how partners of sex workers can react poorly to our work.  One, overtly, one, more subtly.  While I still really want to punch Mr Personal Assistant in the face, I only harbor minor resentment towards my longer-term ex, who was, in most ways, a really awesome partner.]





21 Comments »

  1. As a sex worker, I can 100% agree with this post, especially the last bit. So many people do not want to risk being known as our +1. Sad, but true.

    Comment by Jamie — October 12, 2010 @ 4:00 pm

  2. Overall, Im finding this just one of the quirks when your boy learns that you are a sex worker. It seems that overall, there is no discerning a sex worker other than someone who has sex for money. No one thinks for a second that they still have a seperate way of operating sexually once they clock out for the day/week. Maybe they even think that sex workers cant ever have relationships lest that (sarcastic horror face) be giving the product away for free.

    Heck, I think for the longest time, I made this same mistake and thats why it is only now that I am comfortable with becoming a sex worker.

    Comment by Vixen Blu — October 12, 2010 @ 9:15 pm

  3. Vixen: If I'm reading your comment right ("...this just one of the quirks when your boy learns that you are a sex worker."), do you mean it's been your experience when you come out to someone you're dating? See, for me, (via my "scare 'em away approach") I'm already out to everyone before they even have a chance to kiss me. I'd guess that sex workers experience far more issues with their mates reacting poorly to their work when it's been hidden from them and later sprung upon them as a surprise.

    Comment by Furry Girl — October 12, 2010 @ 9:46 pm

  4. Honesty goes both ways. You were honest with them, but it sounds like they weren't honest with you, and themselves,about what would and wouldn't fit into their lives.

    We come with a unique set of baggage, we sex workers. Until we live in a different world, some men's lives will simply not be compatible with our lives. Even if they themselves would not judge you, plenty of men have jobs or family lives which would be negatively impacted by other people's closed-mindedness if it came to light they were involved with a sex worker. That said, if their lives were so incompatible with dating a sex worker, they had no business pursuing a relation ship with you to begin with.

    When everyone is honest at the start, there can be a no harm/no foul parting of the ways before a relationship takes root. It's only when they try to pursue someone, knowing it could never fit in with their lives, that damage is done.

    For every disadvantage, there is an advantage though. You and I might not make great politician's wives, but damned if there aren't some hot-ass artists and musicians whose lifestyles fit in nicely with ours. Not to mention, our job allows a flexibility to relocate, so the dating world is our oyster.

    The guys who did this to you suck.. they suck big and they suck hard, because they weren't man enough to admit from the beginning what wouldn't work and they followed their dicks anyway because you are too intelligent, attractive, witty, and charming to easily walk away from. But there is a big, wide world out there of people who know their minds, have lives compatible with yours, and generally speaking, don't suck.

    Enjoy finding them. The fun is in the journey, even when you get hurt.

    Comment by Mistress Shayna — October 13, 2010 @ 5:35 am

  5. Shayna: Thanks for the kind words. I've actually had better luck in the dating world than a lot of sex workers, but this year had too much fail in it. "Mr Personal Assistant" is the only ex who did anything really vicious towards me because of my work, and I would never intend to portray the photographer ex in the same light. But, they both serve as examples of the varying degrees to which a partner can be un-awesome about one's sex work.

    As an epilogue of sorts, I saw both guys again this summer, after not having spoken to them in a while. When I ran into Mr Personal Assistant, by magical serendipity in a crowded elevator, and I un-articulately accosted him for 18 floors, the phrase "you are a piece of shit!" was said many times. The photographer and I also had a summer encounter, which involved a hug and a bit of catching up/well-wishing/closure.

    Comment by Furry Girl — October 13, 2010 @ 4:12 pm

  6. Wow being such an ass never even occured to me. I kind of dig it when a lady wants a photo with me. I'm married and my wife would want proof of how beautiful the lady was.

    Comment by oboc — October 13, 2010 @ 5:54 pm

  7. Most of the time that I was reading this, I felt angry and frustrated ... until I read about the new boy and then that gave me warm fuzzies. Daaws.

    Still, I am saddened to hear you received such treatment. Shame on them for being cowardly, pathetic asshats.

    My current boy has set the bar high for me, too, and I've learned never to settle for people who don't appreciate and aren't proud of me for ME. I apologise for the fan girly comment, but I think all that you've achieved with your life so far is admirable and awesome and any guy with half a brain would appreciate that and be damn proud.

    Comment by Nio — October 13, 2010 @ 8:00 pm

  8. Thanks, oboc and Nio.

    I edited my post to say:

    [I worry this post comes across like I'm throwing a major pity party for myself and that my love life is completely shitty. It's not at all, and I also recognize that I have had much, much better luck with the dating scene than many other sex workers. It's just that this last year contained some notable unpleasantness in my personal life for me, and two guys who represent different ends of the spectrum of how partners of sex workers can react poorly to our work. One, overtly, one, more subtly. While I still really want to punch Mr Personal Assistant in the face, I only harbor minor resentment towards my longer-term ex, who was, in most ways, a really awesome partner.]

    Comment by Furry Girl — October 13, 2010 @ 9:13 pm

  9. Two of my girlfriends didn't want me to take any photos of them. Those were also the two who were involved with other guys.

    Comment by Jef Poskanzer — October 14, 2010 @ 2:54 pm

  10. Hi there,

    I'm a sex worker and a huge fan of your writing.

    I'm in a good relationship! With a guy who respects what I do and treats me really well! I think for me, being a sane, grounded kind of person with a lot of other interests helps a lot. It helped me attract someone who could appreciate me as a whole person- the work is just one part. And the work is a natural extension of qualities he likes about me- like being brave, unconventional, independent, and self-reliant... like many of us are. Making acceptance of my work criteria for dating me and screening out anyone who wasn't up to that was important. I think you are right on target with taking time to make sure he is up to treating you the way you like to be treated.

    Comment by K. — October 22, 2010 @ 4:17 am

  11. reap the rewards of sleeping with sexually skilled partners

    I lol'd.

    Comment by Abe — October 22, 2010 @ 10:33 am

  12. New Boy, who ever he is, sounds like a cool guy. My respects to a like minded man.

    Can't really say I understand the people who would be bothered by having a picture of them and their romantic partner taken, regardless of their occupation.

    Comment by Cameron A. Pickerill-Trinitapoli — December 3, 2010 @ 11:49 pm

  13. (sorry if this is very long)hi everyone im 22, i was recently dating a female sex worker....but in my case its was under different circumstances.
    i met a girl and got to know here pretty well over a few months till we eventually started dating....first day of officially dating she brings up the subject of sex working and open relationships, i said personally i got nothing against the profession but wouldnt date one because i dont like the feeling of my gf having sex with other guys even if its a job and im not into open relationships...2 days later she comes out the closet and tells me she is a sex worker....talk about dropping the bomb!
    By nature im a good person and fairly accepting with most things but i was very hurt by her dishonestly and the fact she waited that long to tell me the truth, her excuse was she was short on money n turned to it as a last resort....but really like me so couldnt hide it any longer, i guess i did feel sorry for her since i had gotten to know her pretty well.
    I had never experienced anything like that before but i really did like her so i accepted her apology and decided to continue the relationship.....2 weeks down the track everything just started to go downhill, all she did was sleep when i came to see her n spend time with her, she was still short on money n i wasnt sure where her money was going...till i found out it was drugs.
    in the last few days i finally realised her lifestyle and views on relationships just didnt match with mine and honestly everytime she went to work i felt horrible knowing my gf is having sex with other guys...call me soft but thats just how i am....i couldnt take it anymore and eventually broke down and decided to end things as maturely as i could....in truth i knew it wouldnt of worked out, i didnt get a good reaction but a week down the track she we agree to be friends. she eventually says she hates me for hurting her...when in truth what she did to me was much more hurtful...but she is past all that and proud to be my friend now, since then she barely talks and is very cold and blunt towards me...thank for reading

    Comment by honest young guy — February 18, 2011 @ 4:30 am

  14. its good that your honest from the start with them about your occupation, not all are because they fear rejection and dont want to get hurt emotionally but really to be brutally honest not everyone can accept it but with the negative comes the positive there is always someone out there for all of us

    Comment by S. — February 18, 2011 @ 5:44 pm

  15. I found dating men hopeless. Whenever they knew what I did for a living, it was always "Well, how can I measure up to that?" Seriously, many used the word measure. I would tell them it wasn't a competition, that I had chosen to be with them. They would be all happy with that for a week or two, then often turn odd and mean.

    It wasn't always better with women. Then I'd sometimes get the "OH how could you do something like that it's so disgusting." Well, that usually ended it right there.

    Last woman I just totally unloaded it all, third date. I brought visual aids, video and such. After about ten minutes, she said "Ok, I get it. But I don't need to know or see it all."

    Now there was a winner.

    Comment by Comixchik — May 21, 2011 @ 2:48 pm

  16. Thanks for all the shared stories and comments!

    Comment by Furry Girl — May 25, 2011 @ 11:26 am

  17. I agree with so much of this post. But as the girlfriend of a sex worker, I am also saddened by some aspects of what you say. You talk about a possible boycot of dating/fucking people 'for free' putting for free in italics to emphasise it. And also speak of people 'reeling the rewards f sleeping with sexually skilled partners whilst reducing to give back'.

    One of the things I think is entirely unhelpful is the notion that I am getting some kind of free service from my girlfriend that other people have to pay for. We are having sex. Sharing it, both giving and receiving of each other equally. We both have more an one sexual partner and are active in a sexually open community- I would suggest we are both 'sexually skilled' . I would also suggest there are masses of other qualities in a person that makes me want to date them, other than their sexual skills. I date someone who is not pushing my buttons, I have found it easy enough to teach them, and I learn pretty quick.

    I don't for a second think that my girlfriend should be any less happy about the sex she is 'getting from me' than that I am 'getting from her'. If you looked at it as a financial transaction, we are both getting it for free, just because she does it professionally elsewhere does not reduce the value of my own input,

    As for me, I am happy to be 100% open about my partners work. I am constantly frustrated that she isn't and, although understandable, I find it a conflict of values. She is either proud and prepared to stand up for it, or not. But maybe it will just be time. I am totally happy to be open about her work, indeed it would be much easier and preferable for me, I dislike lying and avoiding the subject, it perpetuates the belief that there is something to be ashamed of, which clearly there is is not.

    Anyway, enough ranting. Most of what you say is excellent x

    Comment by Alison — July 8, 2011 @ 2:02 am

  18. Sorry about the writing, fucking auto correct kicked in, pah. Am sure you get the gist though

    Comment by Alison — July 8, 2011 @ 2:03 am

  19. Alison: Had I said "Dating a gourmet chef is great because you get more the dinner department," I doubt you would be offended. When someone does something for a living and spends years honing their craft and developing excellent skills, they're simply bringing more to that particular area of a relationship than someone with less experience. If you read the entire blog post, you would see that I *was not* attacking people who date/love sex workers for being leeches who ought to be paying for it, but that I can't stand people who use us purely for the good sex and treat us poorly the rest of the time. If that position struck a nerve with you, that's on you, not me.

    Comment by Furry Girl — July 10, 2011 @ 10:32 pm

  20. yes! thanks so much for this

    Comment by davkadeergirl — July 28, 2011 @ 12:12 pm

  21. Comment by Trackbacks — May 17, 2012 @ 7:41 am

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Comment policy for Feminisnt: I do not publish blatant insults and trolling. You must use a name/handle other than anonymous or asdf because I am tired of giving space to detractors who are too lazy to pick a fake handle and too scared to use a real one. I no longer publish comments bitching at me about how feminism is the greatest thing ever. And I may not publish your comment if I have already addressed that specific issue several times already. Read my responses to other comments before asking a new question. Finally, if your comment hinges on an obvious logical fallacy, I might not publish that, either, except to make fun of you. All new commentors have their first comment held for moderation. Commenting on my blog and taking up space on my server is a privilege, not a right.

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