4 Comments »

1. I'm sorry you've had bad experiences over the last year. I hope you're holding up okay. You're an interesting and thoughtful voice, and I appreciate what you're saying, and I hope you'll keep thinking and writing.

   I'm sure the dynamic you and Violet are describing is *particularly* intense when it involves people (especially women) who are being open and public about sex, but I think to some degree it also exists with many people who have unusually transparent lives. People who process their internal existence externally, in a place that it might become truly public, sharing things that most people think "should" be kept quiet. Even in friendships it can have unexpected social echoes. Mostly I think the ones I've experienced have been positive, with the making of connections to people I know, but never would have specifically put on the spot about something really personal. Somehow in a broadcast sense though, it's their choosing to respond that makes it personal. And of course they can choose to act as if they didn't see or hear or read it too, and I'll never know the difference. But I value those unexpected connections, even if occasionally things get weird.

   Comment by Zane Selvans — September 24, 2010 @ 12:26 pm

2. Zane: Thanks for the kind words. The last year has left me thinking more about dating fail, and the annoyance of dating people who don't want to be publicly associated with me.

   Comment by Furry Girl — September 24, 2010 @ 6:17 pm

3. I completely agree that many if not most hetero men in our generation / society romanticize the idea of being with the women they jerk off to on their computer screens (like you and me) but when they finally have us they don't know what to do, or are too intimidated by our sexual nature that they push away from it completely. I know in my own experience I have had boyfriends who had libido problems because of my own high libido, even if they themselves have been a "player" in the past. Nothing seems to scare a man quite like a relationship with an open sexual dynamo or sexuality guru.

   Comment by kayla-jane — September 28, 2010 @ 3:14 pm

4. Is it the same if your partner tries to supress the parts of your personality that make you 'you'? I had a girlfriend who aside from not liking my talking to everybody (extroverts keep the social fabric of society together - to paraphrase Jung) she seemed to like who I was and where I was going. Six months after she went home I followed. Once there she tried to prevent me from all social contact except work and her friends related. In two years she did not meet the friends I made once. She would only translate what she wanted and using a technique of argue violently (verbally) everytime things did not go her way. This supression made me a half not me. This is not quite the same as Violets situation but is their any name for this phenomenon? Aside from control freak.

   On the subject of being with someone with a libido higher than my own, I am with a partner who does not have a higher sex drive than mine and for whom sex is very normal. But she is a damn site more intelligent than I am with a razor sharp wit to boot. This is in itself intimidating at times because with a full time job I find it hard to have the time to study the things I want to discuss with her, all of which she has opinions on and knows inside out.

   I often yearn to be with someone of equal intelligence to feel bigger - or rather at least equal.

   Sometimes I think she only want me because I am 13 years younger. (Only take that last line as a joke).

   Comment by Toby — September 29, 2010 @ 9:45 am

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