51 Comments »

1. This made me giggle. I've often wondered what the deal was with her, or if I was missing something about her place in sex work activism.

   Comment by Sequoia — December 22, 2009 @ 7:26 pm

2. Awesome!
   This really makes my day. I have to say, I thought you were treated very shabbily in the comments on "Alexa's" blog, by both "Alexa" and Amber Rhea. Of course, I have to wonder what might heve been cut from the comments, seeing as how they are heavily censored to only show "Alexa" in a positive light.
   Stealing pictures and content from REAL sex workers is tantamount to taking money out of their pockets; money they earned with their bodies. There's a word for that, isn't there? What do you call someone who makes money from a sex workers efforts?
   "Alexa" and Amber aren't alone, there are a lot of faux hoes out there.
   http://hookeraddict.wordpress.com/2009/12/19/the-pretenders/

   Comment by Some Guy — December 22, 2009 @ 8:13 pm

3. Thanks for the support, but you must be mistaking me for someone else in Alexa's own comments thread. I didn't bother trying to post anything there.

   Comment by Furry Girl — December 22, 2009 @ 8:33 pm

4. Fakesters or no, here's the difference:

   To my knowledge, Alexa has never done anything of substance to support sex workers' rights, whereas Amber actually has. In addition, Amber has done so under her real name, in real publics, where she has dealt with real ramifications of her activism.

   I don't have to agree with every take a sex worker advocate/ally has on sex work in order to honor that they take risks to support me. Likewise, I don't think Amber gains credibility, as you claim, as a "pretend" sex worker so much as she has had to put up with an attacks for the supportive work she has done.

   Additionally, I would never say that your fundraising for St. James Infirmary is unwelcome -- but to offer it as a campaign on Twitter in a plea to "stop the faux ho gossip" -- on the heels of writing this post about Amber? That seems nothing but divisive.

   Comment by Melissa Gira Grant — December 22, 2009 @ 9:59 pm

5. Being an ally is an imperfect thing. Allies fuck up, and there will always be an uneasy tension between being an ally and being a groupie. Good allies shut up and listen when they are being schooled, and Amber does that. They also step up and speak out for the groups they are allied with. Both of these things leave room for error. However, having known Amber in person for 10 or 11 years now - I know that she is not the person you think you are lashing out at here. Honestly I'm pretty stunned by your lashing out at her. To be fair, I haven't been reading the whole tangle of Alexa stuff, but to me this looks like it comes from left field.

   Comment by Audacia Ray — December 22, 2009 @ 10:03 pm

6. Melissa:

   "Alexa" is a non- sex worker who has made many posts in support of sex workers. Amber is a non- sex worker who has made many posts in support of sex workers. They're both faux hos to different degrees, but I don't see them as terribly different.

   The only nice thing I have to say about Amber is that she started the Sex 2.0 conferences. However, that is practically negated in my mind. Want to talk divisive bullshit? Try Amber's blatantly jealous attack on Match for single-handedly organizing the amazing second Sex 2.0 conference, where she slung drama at him by pre-emptively deciding the event would be shitty because she deems Match to be less liberal and enlightened that her. FUCK THAT. Match is too much of a gentleman to piss back at her on the matter, but, well- I'm no gentleman, and I will.

   I never made a "plea" to "stop" faux ho gossip on Twitter. I'm sorry if it bothers you that I proposed that we use a donation to the St. James Infirmary as a "swear jar" for ALL OF OUR EXPENDED ENERGY on the latest drama making the rounds. I hate to sound overly self-righteous here, but wouldn't it be nice if every time there was some epic sex blogger drama, all participants and commenters on the drama made a "swear jar" contribution to a nonprofit that does tangible good for sex workers? Melissa, I appreciate your work as an activist, but you're one of the people who'd be making the most contributions to a sex blogger drama swear jar.

   Audacia:

   I know Amber's one of your close friends, but I'm not going to refrain from calling her out just because I like you. I could write for DAYS about the things Amber has said that I don't like, but I've avoided commenting about her in public until now. Practically everyone else was already aware that I despise Amber- so, no offense, this isn't as out of left field as you might think. I just never brought it up with you because I didn't see anything productive coming out of that, for either of us. (I am hardly alone in having criticisms of Amber. Others just don't say them within earshot of you.)

   Comment by Furry Girl — December 22, 2009 @ 10:41 pm

7. *eyeroll*
   Oh, Furry Girl. You don't like me, I don't like you - that's not much of a secret. I won't lose sleep over it. But give me a break. I've never pretended to be a sex worker. Anyone who knows me even casually knows that. It's a ludicrous claim. Yes, I happen to like pole dancing - so sue me. And yes, I advocate for the human rights of sex workers - because it's an important cause. Perhaps you'd rather no one who's not a sex worker advocate for sex workers' rights. Well, in my experience you're in the minority there, but that's your prerogative.

   As for Alexa, I wouldn't say I'm an "ardent supporter." I had not been following the drama, and was confused when I saw posts about it coming thru Twitter. I offered my support to Alexa because I figured as an ally to sex workers and a non-sex worker myself, it's not my place to judge or to be the arbiter or who is or isn't a sex worker, and better to give the benefit of the doubt. That's pretty much been the extent of my involvement. I exchanged some @ messages back and forth w/ a few people, trying to understand the backstory. Not much else.

   Anyway. This post sounds like "Waaaah I don't like Amber." Which is fine. I'm just not sure why you needed to take so many words to say it.

   Comment by Amber Rhea — December 23, 2009 @ 7:40 am

8. Amber:

   Yeah, this whole post is about how I don't like people supporting sex worker's rights- you totally have my real agenda figured out.

   I don't see you as a faux ho with lousy politics because I dislike you, I dislike you BECAUSE you're a faux ho with lousy politics.

   Comment by Furry Girl — December 23, 2009 @ 2:15 pm

9. You've made that clear. *shrug* Again, just not sure what's so groundbreaking about writing a long personal screed about it. It seems like you were looking for an excuse to let loose w/ the shocking truth that you don't like me, and decided to try to tie it to something wholly unrelated. It's thoroughly transparent, and I imagine the pettiness and childishness will be obvious to the casual reader - even that mythical one who (gasp!) might have thought at first that I was stripper!

   Comment by Amber Rhea — December 23, 2009 @ 3:52 pm

10. Amber, if I ever needed a lesson on how to launch personal attacks through transparent screeds in my blog, I would look no further than you as my teacher. But, whether or not I think you're a catty drama queen, I do have legitimate beef with how you insinuate that you're a sex worker to accessorize your uninteresting life. I'm not the only one who dislikes you and your politics, but no one talks about that in public because you've managed to make friends with a few of the "right people". Congratulations, again, on expertly riding coattails.

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 23, 2009 @ 4:36 pm

11. Ugh. Geez. *deep breath*

    I guess I want to start by saying that I'm happy to find a public place to have more of a substantial conversation this week. I haven't wanted to post at any of the other blogs or do anything to really feed the attention frenzy that's been created for people that I don't care to be associated with, regardless of how fake or real they are.

    But these conversations do need to be happening and I'm happy to see people that I trust here weighing in on a new level. I'm very, very sad about the nature of it all and I don't want to downplay that, so I'm just acknowledging that this sucks for everybody and moving on.

    I respect Furry Girl's position here and actually appreciate that she's pretty much acknowledged that she's got an issue with Amber that is deeper than any tangible harm Amber had committed. Furry Girl, I hear ya on some of the stuff in general and your filters for BS are right on in a general sense. But I really don't and never have felt that Amber is misrepresenting. In fact, while reading your post I flashed back to the countless times I've seen Amber post a comment starting out with: "I'm an ally, not a worker and here's what I think..."

    I feel like she's been transparent and I'd dispute any claim that she's not credible. Which is not what you're saying really I feel, you actually just don't like her. It's fine for you two not to like each other. I wish I would have contributed to helping heal some of these issues back when we were all in DC because I was aware of their festering. Hindsight, hm. You're both awesome, I've enjoyed reasonable disagreements with both of you and found you both to be true to your word. I don't expect many of your mutual friends to take sides on this. It's gonna blow over.

    So- what I want to talk about also with you lovelies is the actual real issue that I have with the recent drama.

    New girls are out there all over the place looking for info and pursuing big, sometimes unrealistic dreams. Real people are putting their real lives on the line to make changes to keep us all safer. It's a lot easier for girls who are out of the biz and can say "former" obviously, but the girls still in the biz are scared and feel threatened. And people seeking legitimate advice/support don't know what's real and what's not. How do we support and be accountable to/as people who are keeping it real without it having to be this polarized "this one is real BECAUSE this one is fake" situation?

    I don't want to be caught up in all of the catty drama, alluring as though it may be. But I feel strongly called to send a lifeline out to people who feel lost or alone or just in need of something to relate to who are not finding genuine, experienced people through popularized outlets. It seems like our various respective projects have always had this aim at the core, but I wonder if there's an unseen gap somewhere that if filled would curb some of this fallout? I don't know, I don't have a solution to offer up, I just needed to get out of my own head about this and find a place to discuss it with rational people.

    And finally, just to get this fucking peeve off my chest:

    Who trusts an individual that accuses a group of people (whome she refuses to actually meet) disorganized as a defense?!?!? I'm sorry, but "I've never met any of those people, but screw them they're disorganized anyway" is juvenile and demonstrates a serious weakness of character. Add that to the many other weak-character traits demonstrated in that fucking response. I'd be more mad if it didn't all make me laugh so hard.

    Thanks for providing space for this semi-off topic rant. I'd love to respond to thoughtful, useful responses here. But if people come here to have a pissing contest I'm going back into my hole and ignoring this shit.

    Best to Furry Girl and Amber and the NY peeps. xo

    Comment by Kimberlee Cline — December 23, 2009 @ 4:58 pm

12. Kimberlee: Thanks for your comments, but just to add a point of correction, I absolutely did not acknowledge that I have "an issue with Amber that is deeper than any tangible harm Amber had committed". My issue is that Amber has has lousy politics, which is WHY I dislike her.

    Her sole rebuttal here that my criticism of her actions is invalid because I don't like her. So, according to that logic, if I disagree with Gail Dines, an anti-porn activist whom I also dislike, is my criticism made null and void?

    Since the "but you dislike me!" is nearest thing Amber has to leg to stand on in this debate, people should ask themselves why. It's not like I just randomly hate people and stir up internet drama to amuse myself, or that I dislike Amber because she stole my boyfriend or some petty personal issue.

    I dislike Amber, in short, because of her insinuations that she's a stripper to gain credibility, because of her caricatured brand of feminism that says that anyone who criticizes any woman is an evil sexist pig, because she ripped Match a new asshole and pissed all over a conference he organized BEFORE IT EVEN HAPPENED, and most recently, because she DISMISSED THE OPINIONS AND CONCERNS OF THE SEX WORKER COMMUNITY because they didn't fit into her "analysis" of how Amber, as an outsider, thinks we should act in unquestioning solidarity with thieves and liars. That last one really did it in for me, and took me from casually disliking her to being truly pissed off.

    When put to a test, Amber obviously don't care about listening to sex workers if the opinions of sex workers differ from her own- she cares about asserting Amber Rhea's own vision of how sex workers should act. It's just more of the same paternalistic bullshit that I despise- WHOMEVER it comes from, "ally" or anti.

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 23, 2009 @ 5:33 pm

13. I have plenty more to "stand on," but why waste my time? Your mind is made up, and those who know both of us can form their own opinions. My writing, speech, and activism stands on its own; there are traces of me all over the internet spanning the past ~13 years. It's not the whole of me, no, but it's enough for the intelligent person to draw their own conclusions.

    You keep saying I've insinuated that I'm a stripper, even though I've never done that. *shrug* You can go on believing it, if you wish, even though it's completely made up. Your argument seems to be, "She says [x], but *I* know she REALLY means [y]!" Be sure to keep me apprised of how that special insight continues to work out for you in interactions w/ people.

    Comment by Amber Rhea — December 23, 2009 @ 9:23 pm

14. Ugh. Alexa- I have serious questions.

    However, I can say I've never seen Amber, ever, try and pass herself off as a sex worker and often seen her say flat out she is an ally, not a sex worker. She pole dances for exercise and fun...so? I will also personally testify to the fact that at least in my case, she's been one hell of an ally and often one of the first people on the scene when I am getting eviscerated in attempts to defend my rights to do (and like) my job. I'll admit I glossed/glazed over a lot of the Sex 2.0 drama because, well, I felt like it. I like Amber, I like Match, so be it. But if Amber "needs" actual sex workers to stand up and say "um, yeah, I consider her a real ally" then I guess I am here doing it because I think of her that way...because that is how she's conducted herself with me. WHich hey, goes a long way in my book.

    Comment by RenegadeEvolution — December 23, 2009 @ 10:09 pm

15. Well, I knew having a useful public conversation about this would be tough.

    Enjoy the pissing contest.

    Comment by Kimberlee — December 24, 2009 @ 9:53 am

16. Ren: I have never said that Amber lies and pretends to be a sex worker. She's much too smart to pull anything like that. Through images and sex worker terminology - such as always describing herself as a "pole dancer" - she *insinuates* that she's a sex worker to casual readers. Since it's not an overt lie, she gave herself the easy out and can always dismiss criticism with, "I never lied and said I was a stripper", which is true. You can't call her out on it, because it's not a complete fraud, it's just lots of innuendo. That kind of quiet manipulation pisses me off more than outright lies that one can fact-check.

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 24, 2009 @ 4:52 pm

17. Amber is an ally and quite upfront about that. Not everyone is ever going to agree with everyone else because we're all individual people. Melissa, Audcia, Kimberlee and Ren have all said everything I have to say about Amber (and more), so I'll leave it at that.

    As an actual sex worker, I'm glad to have allies like Amber who contribute their time/energy to our cause and work to understand the issues we face. I don't think there's anything "faux" about it. White people marched in the Civil Rights movement and straight people support their gay friends when they come out of the closet. That's why they're identified as "allies."

    XX

    Comment by Amanda — December 24, 2009 @ 6:10 pm

18. The question I'm asking is not "who considers Amber their friend?" I know she has plenty.

    The issue is- what about when "allies" side AGAINST sex workers? Amber dismissed the very valid criticisms by real sex workers of Alexa's lies and blatant thievery because that didn't fit into Amber's own theory of how sex workers should behave.

    I'm not anti-ally at all. I'm bothered by people who call themselves allies siding against us and telling us what's what. That's not the role of an ally. Their primary function, above all, is to LISTEN to sex workers- not blithely dismiss us when our concerns run counter to their own personal philosophies and opinions.
    It's interesting to me that no one has defended Amber's (most recent) shitty BEHAVIOR, but only said "she's my friend, I like her."

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 24, 2009 @ 6:23 pm

19. Furry:

    Thing is, sex workers are not an monolith...we're pretty diverse. WE cannot even all agree on How All Shit Should Be Done, so...what? Allies are supposed to back ALL? Me, I don't see that happening I mean, FFS, Melissa Farely considers herself an "ally"...do I want her around? NO.

    As for Amber and "insuation"...whatever. Amber is pretty damn blatant about NOT being a sex worker.

    Comment by RenegadeEvolution — December 24, 2009 @ 10:02 pm

20. I'm a sex worker/escort blogger--a relatively minor one, but w/links to some of the bigwigs like Tracy Quan and Carol Leigh, oh, and my biggest claim to fame, I used to date Melissa Gira Grant (ha!)--and I believe in Alexa's authenticity, despite her anonymity and despite the fact that her working style is so radically diff. than mine. I think she's done a lot for the community even anonymously with her My First Professional Sex site, a candid forum where we're very well humanized. I've also had some private e-mail interactions and she seems really sincere to me.
    ((I mean, I thought Belle De Jour was fake--prob just b/c I hated her writing and her experience of sex work seemed so out of sync and glamorized--and voila, look at her recent outing of herself as a now-legit-working UK scientist...def. not fake.)
    Also, Jenny De Milo recently attacked a woman who's on my local bad call e-mail list on her blog and provider boards with little to no provocation. Word on the street is she's having a personal meltdown at the moment, and thus, much as I admire her and her blog, that makes her current accusations a lot less credible.

    Comment by Caty — December 25, 2009 @ 6:33 am

21. Drama like this just takes away from the movement as a whole. I hope this is over soon.

    Comment by Caty — December 25, 2009 @ 6:33 am

22. I'm also not a fan of Amber, as she once said that OF COURSE decriminalizing drugs and decriminalizing pros are not morally equivalent, w/so much prejudice vs. drug users that she didn't even bother to justify that statement, but is she really not a sex worker herself?

    Comment by Caty — December 25, 2009 @ 6:35 am

23. Echoing Ren...

    I think we're all pretty free to draw whatever conclusions we want about Amber, Alexa, you and anyone else. I'm guessing Amber is giving Alexa the benefit of a doubt. That's perfectly fine with me because Amber is her own person and makes up her own mind. She also behaves according to her own personality and code of conduct, not mine (or yours). I haven't met a human being yet who hasn't mistreated someone else and that includes me.

    Dec 17 was just a week ago. There are much bigger issues at stake.

    XX

    Comment by Amanda — December 25, 2009 @ 6:36 am

24. And Furry, I agree with you about "bad" allies, though there are many allies that respect boundaries and whom I'm proud to fight alongside (Laura Agustin, for example.) But despite the fact that I'm not Amber's biggest fan, is she really that kind of bad ally?

    The proliferation of all this bullshit about Alexa (and also about my local colleague) has really dismayed me. We have more important things to think about as a movement. If only I wrote in my blog more often, so I could make a pt of NOT writing a post about this!

    Comment by Caty — December 25, 2009 @ 6:41 am

25. Since I was one of the "@" people Amber tweeted at I feel like I should say something.

    When I first joined Twitter I followed Amber, many of the people I knew and respected followed her, so I did too. I also believed initially she was a stripper, eventually realized she wasn't but it took a while to figure that out. I had attempted to engage Amber a few times and was unsuccessful. Eventually I unfollowed her because..

    a. She wasn't sex worker (in the beginning I pretty much followed them exclusively)
    b. Engaging her was useless
    c. I wasn't really that interested in her feed overall

    I never had any contact with or thought of Amber again until the other day whe she "@" replied me on twitter about "Princess Cariboo"

    http://twitter.com/amberlrhea/status/6910990647

    This I found really annoying for several reasons.

    1. It assumes "Alexa" is a sex worker and totally discounts any of the concerns people had raised about her legitimacy as an escort.

    2. It's scolding and judgmental

    3. She called ME out by name (as if she knew me) and said I was in a "feud" when up until this point I had only said on my personal blog, a month prior that there were people pretending to be escorts online and I had NOT linked or said WHO I thought was doing it. In fact I know there are others besides "Alexa"

    It was "Alexa" who had strangely linked me in her "rebuttal" (3 times) when I was but one of several girls Monica Shores had interviewed about writing a sex worker blog. So it looked as if "Alexa" was where Amber was getting her information.

    She was distressed? Over what she said was my personal "Vilification" of a ghost. I responded back at her with a couple of my thoughts and that was that.

    Part of this issue is people who are not sex workers trying to be the "face of sex workers" and telling us how to act. I felt as if Amber, not a sex worker just had told me how to act. I dont know who Amber's friends are and really I dont care. Is she a friend to sex workers? I dunno, in that instance she was certainly a friend to "Alexa"

    Jenny

    Comment by Jenny DeMilo — December 25, 2009 @ 2:06 pm

26. Ren: While, of course, sex workers are not a monolith with a hivemind, an interesting thing about the Alexa issue is that sex workers of EVERY STRIPE have turned up online with sharp critiques from many angles. That's why I said in my initial post that it's not a controversy, it's a consensus. (With the sole exception of commenter Caty, who believes she is real.) So, with that (near) consensus among a very diverse crowd, and LOTS AND LOTS of very well-thought-out criticisms of Alexa out there, it's offensive to see Amber waive her little enlightened feminist hand and declare that we're all just jealous and petty. What the fuck? "Allies" need to know that their place is to look to sex workers and follow our lead, not dismiss us out-of-hand if our concerns clash with their philosophies. That's what I mean when I say that Amber's brand of feminism has always annoyed me- it's this dogmatic "any time a woman is criticized, it's obviously untrue and sexist" shit that I've seen her argue over and over.

    Caty: Well, I'll give this to you- you are the only sex worker who thinks Alexa isn't a fraud. So, even if the writer behind the Alexa blog is actually a sex worker, what about Alexa using another sex workers photographs and passing them off as her own? What about Alexa stealing photos from all sorts of adult sites and using them to get traffic to her blog? Even if she's a real escort, which is actually fairly irrelevant to me, she's a liar and a thief who rips off sex workers.

    Jenny: Thank you for your comments- it's good to know there are three of us now who don't understand the glitter of Amber Rhea and are willing to say so in public.

    Like Jenny, I also followed Amber for a while on Twitter, because so people I like respect her. I stopped following her when I just couldn't handle reading Amber tweeting about regularly filing fake sexual harassment reports against her male co-workers whom she doesn't like. I have been ACTUALLY sexually harassed in a workplace (as a teenager), and I wanted to reach through the computer and slap her on behalf of every woman who DOESN'T get believed about sexual harassment because of stupid liberal twits like Amber who abuse such accusations because of their own man-hating issues or PC oversensitivity or whatever motivates her. I take it that Amber whiles away her day at her white collar tech job policing her male co-workers for any thoughts of which she disapproves, and then reporting them to human resources when they invariably accidentally offend her delicate sensibilities. The straw that broke my back was when Amber reported two male colleagues for a conversation of theirs she was eavesdropping on where they were complaining about their wives nagging them too much, and one of them said something about how he just tunes his wife out now when she nags. REALLY? HOW THE HELL IS THAT *AMBER* BEING VICTIMIZED IN THE WORKPLACE? HOW IS THAT SEXISM? Amber's filing fake sexual harassment reports against men she doesn't like is a tangible blow to women everywhere so far as I'm concerned.

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 25, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

27. It's obvious I'm not wasting much time engaging in this any more, but Furry Girl, your accusations are getting more and more outlandish. Where have I *ever* said anyone who called out Alexa was *jealous*? You were already pulling falsehoods out of your ass, but now it's gone from absurd to positively characteristic.

    As to other nitpicks about what I may or may not have said or done, I'm not going to bother trying to "defend" myself. You'd think no one else in the world has ever chosen an imperfect word (I replied to Jenny on Twitter that I recognized that "feud" was not the best word). If, within a community, one can be drawn and quartered for using a less than ideal word, then that's not a community I'm interested in being a part of. Fortunately the sex workers' rights community is not a monolith and, as usual, I'll let people draw their own conclusions.

    Comment by Amber Rhea — December 25, 2009 @ 4:05 pm

28. I take it that Amber whiles away her day at her white collar tech job policing her male co-workers for any thoughts of which she disapproves, and then reporting them to human resources when they invariably accidentally offend her delicate sensibilities.

    You've got me! Alert the authorities!

    Comment by Amber Rhea — December 25, 2009 @ 4:07 pm

29. But she's admitted that she uses photographs that are not her own all the time. Perhaps she should be chastised about this, but it's certainly not worth this brouhaha. & finally, regardless of whether she's "real", the longer we do this, the more the blogosphere witnesses us being divisive and not focusing on our larger problems, such as violence and criminalization and stigma.

    Btw, if anyone's wondering about my authenticity, they can ask a bunch of people. I'm using my real name right now, and I was at the Desiree Conference in 2006.I can even tell you about a prominent sex worker activist who has driven along with me to calls, if people want to check on me. So I may be a naive fool, but I am an escort. & as for Amber Rhea, I think we can dislike each other/disagree with each other, both allies and sex workers, without airing our proverbial dirty laundry in public.

    Comment by Caty — December 26, 2009 @ 8:17 am

30. I hardly ever cry because I am tough and I fight. But reading this personal attack on Amber, I just can't stop crying.

    We have all made mistakes. The mistakes I have made that I regret to this day are the mistakes of turning what should be a political fight into a personal attack. Most especially if the personal attack is made against someone on our side-ally, worker or former worker. I am certain that everyone who has responded here has had their share of personal attacks from the anti-prostitution forces. We don't need to do that to eachother.

    Consider this to be a step backward for all of us.

    Comment by Lisa Roellig — December 26, 2009 @ 10:17 am

31. Caty: Why is stealing okay if Alexa acknowledges that she steals? That's a weak defense. Even if Alexa is a persona backed by a genuine sex worker, it's indisputable that she steals from other sex workers and lies abut what she looks like. So, the BEST CASE SCENARIO is that Alexa is indeed a real sex worker, but a liar and a thief. Uhh... how exactly is that a "score one for Alexa"? Her realness as an escort is fairly irrelevant to me. As for the "dirty laundry" issue, Amber is no dainty princess who's never gone dramacore on anyone online.

    Lisa: *rolls eyes* You consider criticizing Amber's siding against sex workers to be a sob-worthy "step backwards", I consider Amber's history of fail, including her ATTACKING A SEX WORKER ALLY FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY OFFENSIVE CRIME OF BEING A MAN, to be a step backwards. Looks like we disagree.

    I continue to be amused that no one defends Amber's actual ACTIONS, but only iterate that they like her as a friend- which has nothing to do with the issues I've brought up. EVERYONE has friends somewhere, so Amber having friends is hardly a rebuttal to her having shitty politics. Way to prove me wrong that Amber coasts by with special exemption from criticism because she knows some of the right people.

    I'll always wonder who's exposed more people to sex worker rights issues- Alexa or Amber? That would be an interesting metric of which faux ho blogger is more deserving redemption or damnation.

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 28, 2009 @ 2:19 am

32. Just for clarity, the tears were actually a visceral response to your capacity for viscousness against an ally.

    You got a beef with someone from the movement, ally, worker, or former worker, do it in private.

    In other words, get a room.

    Comment by Lisa Roellig — December 28, 2009 @ 6:21 am

33. Furry:

    If we're needing actual examples at this point...okay.

    She started Sex 2.0 which was a place where, I , sex worker, pretty much felt free to go and speak and not worry about being attacked.

    Whenever I have been attacked by anti-sex work people, and it has happened a lot, she has had my back and come in to defend both me and the points I was making. Even called me out on my over the top viciousness from time to time which is not always a bad thing.

    She has introduced me to other sex workers and other sex worker allies, and via her is how I actually met a whole lot of people invovled in the causes we all seem to participate in.

    So yeah, there is more than "I like Amber" going on here.

    Comment by RenegadeEvolution — December 28, 2009 @ 8:35 am

34. Ren:

    My main criticism of Amber's is her general sense of victim feminism, combined with - although I know we disagree on this - her insinuating that she's a sex worker. Amber's one of those liberal more-enlightened-than-thous who seems to devote herself to seeking out things to feel oppressed by so she can complain about them. (I wouldn't be surprised if Amber feels oppressed by tall buildings and ketchup bottles because they look too much like penises.) That annoys me to no end, and is emblematic of what's wrong with feminism in Western cultures in this day and age. It also annoys me that she can find a way to rationalize anything or anyone she disagrees with as "sexist"- which is hardly a good debate skill.

    One example of this sort of victim feminism is Amber bragging on Twitter repeatedly about filing sexual harassment reports against male co-workers if they say anything not up to her standards of political correctness. I don't have the time to scroll back to 2008 to find the specific Tweets I'm talking about that made me decide to unfollow her over the issue. (For all I know she still does this- but I haven't followed her in over a year.) Crying wolf and filing frivolous sexual harassment complaints is a great big "fuck you" to people like me who have been actually sexually harassed, and it makes any woman in her workplace who has a genuine sexual harassment issue less likely to be believed. It doesn't make a one a tireless crusader for womankind to pretend to be oppressed, it devalues and mocks actual oppression. (That's a lesson I wish I could cram down the throats of a lot of people on the left side of the political spectrum, not just Amber.)

    As I said before, Amber starting Sex 2.0 - which I do think is a great conference - was really negated in my mind by her attempt to sabotage the second conference because -gasp- a man organized it. If people want to talk about infighting and attacks on allies, looks no further than Amber's shit-talking on Match back in May of this year. Amber started Sex 2.0, and then decided she didn't want to organize one again. Match, being an awesome sex-positive guy and ally, took up the conference to make sure it didn't die after Amber moved on, and then was shat on for doing so. What a epic dick move on Amber's part. She pre-emptively decided that the conference organized by Match was going to suck, and attacked him in her blog for being a man and not identifying as a "feminist". She whined about how she didn't like the direction the conference was going in. But guess what? Amber didn't actually participate in making the conference more to her liking, or more feminist, or whatever- she didn't do anything constructive, she only attacked Match for not being good enough. It's absurd. Amber abandoned ship, but freaked out when she didn't like what other people were doing with the ship she abandoned. (Which, of course, she re-captured eventually. It was hilarious to read after the Match-organized Sex 2.0 conference that Amber had elected herself dictator of the Sex 2.0 Steering Committee Foundation, or whatever she calls it, so she can introduce a lot of bureaucracy to make sure that she's the one calling the shots in the future.)

    And then here, with the Alexa issue, she dismissed the well-reasoned and multifaceted concerns of lots sex workers. That was what did it for me- this "ally" calling out *US* and telling sex workers what to do. Allies need to know their place, and as I've said repeatedly, that place is first and foremost to LISTEN to sex workers, not dismiss our concerns when they run counter to one's own opinions.

    Yes, Amber does blog about supporting sex workers rights, but it's not like she's Arianna Huffington or some well-known web personality who can reach a millions of people with her posts. I appreciate even small acts of solidarity with sex worker issues, but really- some people act like Amber's this hugely influential person to have on "our" side. She's just another woman with a small blog about her daily life, and I'd hardly consider Amber's few good points to mean her bad points should pass without comment.

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 28, 2009 @ 5:35 pm

35. Furry:

    Well, you know me and feminism....I pretty much do not give a crap about feminism as it is on the net or lots of other places. You also know I think Match is a dang cool dude. WRT to Alexa, I have inentionally ignored a lot of the goings on because my drama meter is worn out at the moment...but I know I went through the whole spinner (still do on occasion) with the whole "she must be a man" "isn't a sex worker" thing myself.

    But I feel like this I suppose...I can be a REAL asshole and have been in some REAL ugly throwdowns with people over all kinds of shit wrt Sex Worker Rights and Issues...and she's had my back. That goes a long, long way with me. I am not one of those folk who requires everyone get along because that shit just ain't gonna happen...but I will show loyalty and support for those who have done the same for me, esp if I consider them a good ally.

    Comment by Ren — December 28, 2009 @ 6:09 pm

36. Ren: I understand you on the loyalty issue, and I won't fault you for that. But, you know- Match has had my back on some things in the past, and he's got my loyalty. But, even if I didn't like the guy, the way Amber pissed all over his hard work and tried to sabotage the second Sex 2.0 conference was way out of line.

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 28, 2009 @ 6:16 pm

37. Call me a chickenshit, but I'm going to post this anonymously, because I really don't want yet more drama running over to other blogs as a result of this.

    I've followed RevEv's blog for a while and I'm familiar with Amber's postings, and have gone over and read her blog a few times. Yes, Amber has a prickly personality that can definitely alienate people. That is unfortunately a common personality trait among online feminists in my estimation.

    On the other hand, from the even the most casual reading of Amber's mentions of pole dancing, it was readily apparent that she was doing this as a 'civilian' and not a stripper. I have never mistaken her for a sex worker and never though she was trying to create that impression.

    Comment by Anon E — December 28, 2009 @ 8:58 pm

38. As someone who likes you a lot and usually agrees with your politics, I must say that you are coming off as a real asshole on this one.

    A lot of people know Amber is one of those cliquey feminist politicos. Still, she isn't the enemy by a long shot.

    Yeah, what she did to Match was fucked up. She should own up to it. Still, this rant is kind of coming out of left field. Why start this kind of flame war?

    A friend.

    Comment by Anonagirl — December 28, 2009 @ 11:07 pm

39. I had some of the same complaints about Amber when she first started posting links to my old hobostripper articles. I would get a fuckton of traffic from her and I'd be like, "what is up with this chick pretending to be a stripper and just posting other peoples' stuff so people never realise she isn't a stripper." Eventually I actually read more than a couple posts and decided that my first impression was wrong - if you actually read instead of skim she comes across as pretty honest and cool. Just my totally peripheral online perspective.

    Comment by Tara — December 29, 2009 @ 12:15 am

40. "In other words, get a room."

    I think a personal blog is the very definition of 'private' on the internet. Really classy coming along to someone's personal space and telling them what not to write about.

    Comment by Sara — December 29, 2009 @ 12:08 pm

41. "What I did to match." Yes, how horrible, to raise concerns about a conference in a completely non-personal way. Most people know the backstory or are smart enough to go find it themselves, but just in case, here's link 1 and 2 so people can see for themselves the horrible "attack" that never was.

    http://www.beingamberrhea.com/2009/04/28/thoughts-on-sex-20-past-present-and-future/

    http://www.beingamberrhea.com/2009/04/30/thoughts-on-sex-20-thoughts/

    Comment by Amber Rhea — December 29, 2009 @ 10:56 pm

42. Amber:

    Oh, thanks for clarifying, in your condescending, passive-aggressive way. Now I understand that when I criticize you on my blog, it's a cruel personal attack, and when you criticize people on your blog, you're merely "raising concerns". Thanks for the laugh.

    And actually, it so happens that I don't feel like you have any business whatsoever "raising concerns", since you abandoned Sex 2.0 after the first year and didn't participate in making it happen the second year. You don't get to bitch and moan about transparently-organized projects you refuse to contribute to. You had EXCEEDINGLY AMPLE opportunity to steer the vibe of the conference in whatever direction pleased you most- you could have done a session (or two), a pre- or post- con get-together, or reached out to potential speakers you do approve of and personally invited them to give a talk. Everyone was free to do whatever they pleased- the whole thing was organized on a list serve and Google docs where ANYONE could get their two cents in. If people didn't follow any of that, they still could sign up for leading a session the day of the conference. And what did you do? You sat back and "raised concerns" on your blog about how what other people worked hard to create just wasn't good enough for you, most notably the hard work of Match, the conference organizer.

    What it looked like to me is that you wanted to sabotage the conference by starting it off with a dark cloud of drama because you just couldn't stand that a man could organize a sex-positive event as well, or even better, than your perfect enlightened feminist self did.

    Comment by Furry Girl — December 30, 2009 @ 12:05 am

43. Although I disagree that anything on the internet is personal space, I apologize for making that comment. You are right Sarah, it was not very cool at all.

    Comment by Lisa Roellig — December 30, 2009 @ 4:52 pm

44. "'What I did to match.' Yes, how horrible, to raise concerns about a conference in a completely non-personal way. Most people know the backstory or are smart enough to go find it themselves, but just in case, here's link 1 and 2 so people can see for themselves the horrible "attack" that never was.

    [links]"

    Funny, as somebody who wasn't involved with S2.0, just reading your own posts about the topic looks to me *exactly* like you were carrying out some ideological policing and really dumping on Match for lack of ideological purity. While the whole bruhaha about the pole dancing stuff struck me as kind of petty, from the above posts, I can see exactly why some people are PO'd at you.

    Comment by Anon E — December 30, 2009 @ 11:59 pm

45. BTW, Furrygirl, it looks like you haven't posted for a while. I quite like your blog, and I hope this spat with Amber Rhea doesn't signal a retreat from the blogosphere.

    Comment by Anon E — February 3, 2010 @ 10:11 pm

46. No, one annoying little twit isn't going to scare me away from the world of blogging. I've just been insanely busy or out of the country for the last 6 weeks. New posts coming soon.

    Comment by Furry Girl — February 6, 2010 @ 8:36 pm

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    Comment by Trackbacks — March 11, 2010 @ 4:23 am

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